absolution, part three
This is a continuation. You may want to begin here: absolution, part one
“Forgiveness is the fragrance left by the violet on the heel that crushed it.”
Mark Twain
Author’s aside: i remember a time when i always wanted to be pretty for you. Never a hair out of place, my makeup lightly and perfectly applied, always poised, always serene. That time existed before i knew you.
***
elise looked from Erick to Caleb, then back again. She blinked and folded her lips, thinking furiously, trying to decide how Erick wanted her to react, how he wanted her to respond. When nothing came to her, she simply sat quietly and waited.
“Tsk, elise.” Erick’s eyes burned into hers. “Stop lying.”
“Lying?”
“Yes. It is quite one thing to try to anticipate what I might want in an effort to please, yet another to do it out of a sense of self-preservation. At what point in our relationship did you decide you were in charge?”
elise’s mouth fell open, and Caleb laughed. “Well, at least that’s an honest reaction.” elise shot him an angry glare, which made him laugh again. “And another one.”
“Which brings me to the point of our discussion,” said Erick smoothly. “I begin to think our relationship is no longer mutually beneficial.”
elise felt her throat close up, felt a painful twist in her chest. She looked down, unwilling to allow him to see the tears forming in her eyes. “But i love you,” she murmured. Her hands were shaking, so she clasped them tightly together.
“Mm. And i love you, pet. Unfortunately, that isn’t enough.”
A sob tore from her chest, and she looked up swiftly, angry. “Why does he have to be here for this? Is it more satisfying for you to rip me to shreds with an audience?” She drew a deep, shuddering breath and stood. “i’ll go start packing.”
“Sit, elise.” Erick’s voice was clipped, hard. “So literal, as usual. It’s one of the few things which has always disappointed me about you. I haven’t said you’re leaving.” elise remained standing, uncertain. “Sit!” His raised voice held a note of impatience. Hastily, she took her seat again.
Silence descended on the room. elise felt it pressing against her, smothering her with its thickness. She swallowed hard, chanced a glance at Caleb. His eyes were on her, glittering and dark, almost malevolent in their intensity. Suddenly, she knew what was going to happen, what Erick intended. She sucked in her breath, then erupted from her seat, scrambled to her knees before her Master.
“Don’t do this, please,” she begged, her heart in her eyes. “i’ll let go, be less careful. i only ever wanted to please you, that’s all, but i can still do it without trying to second-guess. i know i can, Master. Please … ??” She wrapped her arms around his legs, not caring that Caleb would see her in the humiliating position of pleading for her place, not caring that he would enjoy it.
Erick said nothing. A muscle in his jaw twitched, the only outward sign that this was at all difficult for him. He looked away, then reached down to grasp her wrists, unwound her arms from his lower legs.
elise didn’t fight him, didn’t fight the panic rising inside her. She wrapped her arms around her midsection and bent forward, doubling over in an effort to stop the wave of sickness threatening to overtake her. “Please don’t give me up, Master,” she said brokenly.
Erick reached down and grasped a handful of hair from the back of her head, jerked her face up so he could see it. “I will never give you up, elise. If you know nothing else, you foolish girl, know that.” The ferocity in his voice washed through her, calmed the fears swirling through her mind. He let go and sat back in the chair.
elise lowered her eyes, missed the long look that passed between the two men. Erick nodded, and Caleb spoke. “For now, slut, you’ll belong to me.”
And there it was. The words elise had known were coming the second she’d exchanged the look with her Master’s best friend. A sense of calm descended, bringing with it a startling clarity. She looked up, narrowed her eyes at Caleb. “You won’t find it easy,” she said softly, then waited, half expecting Erick to backhand her for the insolent statement.
Instead, he did nothing, said nothing, and Caleb stood. “Good,” he said. “Then I have that to which I can look forward. Now go to my room.”
elise looked away from both men, pressed her lips together, then stood, and left the room.
part four
“Keep the candle burning, elise.”
For you … forever.
Slap them! Slap them both!!
Now, sassy. Get hold of yourself. Do you really think that would go well for
meher?elise
The last time I slapped a sadist — oh, nevermind.
*sings slightly off-key* sharing means caring, let’s all share together
Sorry. Truly. Couldn’t help myself.
Sometimes, they just need slapping. But you have to be willing to accept the consequences, of course.
elise
Mmm … have ‘elise’ slap Caleb (well, if he needs it), what would the consequence be?
Good question. i’ve not thought that far ahead, yet. i’d imagine there would be consequences from both men, though.
elise
Oh, god, yes.
*squirms*
[Elizavetta also squirming] Ok, now this is getting good. Not that it wasn’t already, but, well… you know what I mean :)
~smile~ We’ll see where it goes.
elise
Just because I’ve been uncharacteristically silent on these posts doesn’t mean I’ve not been reading. I’m merely waiting for more of the ’story’ because, frankly, it is disturbing. I suspect all of us transpose ourselves into the scenarios, and where Beth and Elizavetta seem to relish and gleefully anticipate, I’m more with Sassy - except angrier. Part of that reaction means your writing is going well.
Kaz,
As anyone would suspect who has read me recently, i’m feeling a great deal of personal turmoil. It’s coming out, as it will in this sort of forum, in my writing, which is likely why i write.
There are reasons soiled ended as abruptly as it did, reasons absolution is taking an entirely different turn than i’d originally envisioned. i am, by turns, wistful or angry, sorrowful or disdainful.
And distant.
All of that comes out in my writing, because i can do that here, in a way i cannot with my professional work. i’m grateful for that, just as i am grateful for all of you.
elise
And, when it’s just a story, I can afford to be gleeful, and lighthearted about it. Kaz, I don’t know if you read my blog, but if you do, perhaps you can understand why I can take delight in the wicked bits of elise’s stories. Real life affords me no such “light” response.
And I squirm, because at times, the story hits a bit too close to home. I want the rest of the story and … I don’t, quite, at the same time.
(By the way, elise, Sassy and I left queries for you on my fairytale post).
Mm. But is this just a story?
elise
You tell us, hon.
Or not.
(I’m sure it isn’t “just” a story, but it is couched in “story” terms).
Well. It’s … something. i’m not sure what it is, either.
elise
Perhaps it’s merely Elise’s talent, but this doesn’t read as merely a story. It also contains pertinent elements that appear in other, more extreme blogs that carry the ring of truth no matter how ugly it might sound to some. Although I would never condemn or demean the choices others make for themselves, there remains the necessity to make judgments on how such choices might affect our own lives. For all the negative hoopla about it leading to a fall, pride can also be a protective measure. When one’s self-view (pride) is subverted or coerced to the true hubris or pure selfishness of another who may not be worthy of such a sacrifice, that can be destructive to the soul. And that seems to be where Elise’s story is headed, and that type of destructiveness makes me angry - and always will.
If ‘absolution’ is only a story and a catharsis, that’s one thing. If it is reality, that’s another, and if it’s a moment of truth in disguise whose internalization leads only to turmoil and dispair, that’s something entirely different, too. We all bring different things to the party, but there is no party so sublime that one can’t walk awaty.
Kaz,
Thank you, as always. You continue to inspire, just so you know. i had more to say, but decided to make it a post, instead.
elise