The Narcissist as Sadist
Sometimes, i read things that just fascinate me:
“The narcissist is not a full-fledged sadist, masochist, or paranoiac. He does not enjoy hurting his victims. He does not believe firmly that he is the focal point of persecution and the target of conspiracies.
“But, he does enjoy punishing himself when it provides him with a sense of relief, exoneration and validation. This is his masochistic streak.
“Because of his lack of empathy and his rigid personality, he often inflicts great (physical or mental) pain on meaningful others in his life and he enjoys their writhing and suffering. In this restricted sense he is a sadist.
“To support his sense of uniqueness, greatness and (cosmic) significance, he is often hypervigilant. If he falls from grace – he attributes it to dark forces out to destroy him. If his sense of entitlement is not satisfied and he is ignored by others – he attributes it to the fear and inferiority that he provokes in them. So, to some extent, he is a paranoid.
“The narcissist is as much an artist of pain as any sadist. The difference between them lies in their motivation. The narcissist tortures and abuses as means to punish and to reassert superiority, omnipotence, and grandiosity. The sadist does it for pure (usually, sexually-tinged) pleasure. But both are adept at finding the chinks in people’s armours. Both are ruthless and venomous in the pursuit of their prey. Both are unable to empathise with their victims, self-centred, and rigid.
“The narcissist abuses his victim verbally, mentally, or physically (often, in all three ways). He infiltrates her defences, shatters her self-confidence, confuses and confounds her, demeans and debases her. He invades her territory, abuses her confidence, exhausts her resources, hurts her loved ones, threatens her stability and security, enmeshes her in his paranoid state of mind, frightens her out of her wits, withholds love and sex from her, prevents satisfaction and causes frustration, humiliates and insults her privately and in public, points out her shortcomings, criticises her profusely and in a “scientific and objective” manner – and this is a partial list.”Very often, the narcissist sadistic acts are disguised as an enlightened interest in the welfare of his victim. He plays the psychiatrist to her psychopathology (totally dreamt up by him). He acts the guru, the avuncular or father figure, the teacher, the only true friend, the old and the experienced. All this in order to weaken her defences and to lay siege to her disintegrating nerves. So subtle and poisonous is the narcissistic variant of sadism that it might well be regarded as the most dangerous of all.
“Luckily, the narcissist’s attention span is short and his resources and energy limited. In constant, effort consuming and attention diverting pursuit of Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist lets his victim go, usually before it had suffered irreversible damage. The victim is then free to rebuild her life from ruins. Not an easy undertaking, this – but far better than the total obliteration which awaits the victims of the “true” sadist.”
Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisted
Dr. Sam Vaknin
How completely intriguing, yes?
Narcissists take from others, so many consider those they “take” from victims. But no one is a victim if they give it willingly.
And I agree with you–in many cases a narcissist can be a type of victim themselves.
I’ve always been able to spot and predict the behavior of narcissists and have been fascinated most of all by the sexual dimension of narcissism and the various manifestations. In my experience narcissists have three basic needs:
inappropriate control, extreme sexual appetite and the Cause.
Whore-licious,
i always enjoy your point of view. Tell me more about the Cause?
i also find the final sentence (or, at least, the final sentence in the fragment of the article i posted) terribly intriguing. “Total obliteration,” huh?
Oddly, even after all these years, i’m still alive. And, bonus…i can spell.
elise
An interesting contrast of of a narcissist and a sadist. Just read your update and suspect to use of the word victom is really intended to mean “target of their attention” and in some extremes an actual victom. I think one of the most currently notorious narcissists is/was Scott Peterson.
Your posting reminded me of something I read a while back and I looked it up again, it is a piece called “Did Scott Kill Laci?” And it begins:
Maybe Scott didn’t kill Laci. Maybe what we are seeing is narcissism, not murder.
In the minds of the public Scott Peterson is guilty of killing his wife Laci. Based on the media’s reporting of events, it looks like murder. The easy next step is to make the assumption of guilt.
Did he do it? Media reports that Scott Peterson was more upset about burning chicken on the barbecue than about the disappearance of his wife seems to be convincing evidence that he killed Laci. It proves nothing. What kind of man gets more upset over burnt chicken than a missing wife? A narcissist.
A narcissist becomes enraged over those things he loses control of and wants to be associated with in a positive manner. Scott wanted to barbecue perfect chicken, and he burned it. He becomes very upset. But when Laci disappears, he exhibits robotic like characteristics: no emotion, no sadness. Scott Peterson’s lack of emotion was not because he killed her, but because she was unimportant to him. Scott didn’t care about Laci. Scott cared about himself and his wants – and right now he wanted Amber who was giving him narcissistic supply. Laci’s disappearance was convenient and unimportant. A strange combination perhaps, but not for Scott.
The article then goes on to talk about whether or not he did it or is just an aloof bastard, and I think that is neither her nor there to your point. (From http://www.narcissisticabuse.com )
I think the sadism of a narcissist is very much like a non-consensual sadist. I would think it would be difficult/impossible to have a consensual relationship with a narcissist. You say you did, but who knows how much of what label really applied to G.
The contemporary SM scene is far more practical, more rooted in the real world. The motto now is “safe, sane, and consensual.” There are an extremely wide variety of activities and experiences that fall under the broad definition of S/M.
The individuals participate only in activities they choose to do, and no one is pressured to do anything that they do not want to do. This is essential. The difference between consensual and non consensual SM is the same as the difference between consensual sex and rape. Both may involve the same act, but one leaves a person feeling good, while the other can cause severe trauma.
Your wish is my command (As a submissive I’ll bet you don’t hear that often…)
Not only did I answer your question, I included a naked picture of Christian Bale just to whet your appetite.
Enjoy.
I crave total obliteration. I want to be obliterated, live to tell about it, and be obliterated again.
You may be interested in the writings of David Deida, particularly “Intimate Communion” and “Dear Lover”.
I would agree those who interact with the narcissist are only “victims” if they do not know the nature of how they are being used, ie to satisfy the narcissist’s need for narcissistic supply.
David,
Thank you for the additional perspective. i think we likely don’t share the same views on the “lifestyle/scene” (or other appropriate label.) As to G’s narcissism or lack thereof…as i said, i’m not an expert.
Whorebaby,
i’m far more likely to hear that phrase as a person of submissive personality than i am as a mom. Which means roughly never, in each case.
alexanna,
Wow. Really? Total obliteration? And then you get to come back? Hmmm. “And on the third day, she rose from total obliteration…” ~ wink ~
(i can always work some hot religion into a comment response.)
elise
Yeah I want to be like a pheonix.
Whoa…this article…on narcissism…cuts to the bone. The issues of sadism and narcissism I am getting to know well here. I am a new sub, Domless….however, one Dom that I know somewhat fits the profile. He is a sexual sadist, a Dom for many years, and loves to hear women scream in pain.
Why would I have any attraction to this fellow? Well, he’s my first introduction to D/s….submission, etc. Only on-line, phone, chat…but yea gods! He is a ball of wax.
I believe there is something very dangerous in new subs…we are so willing to please, once we get the bulletin that “pleasing Doms is much of the deal”. Is it? Exploring our needs and issues of submission is the deal.
There are so many predators out there…some of the ‘real’ doms like this fellow…with strings of trained subs….and then there are the fakers. However, just because a Dom has trained subs, what is the condition they are left in? Shouldn’t a sub who is married put out the torch for the Dom and attend totally to the husband?? I think there are many power issues here and of course a new sub doesn’t come off well with someone who is narcissistic and a sadist.
Seems to me that IF she comes out with all four limbs, she’s doing fine.
Just an observation as I try to weed out the legitimate Doms from the predators…
And I have made some horrible mistakes….thankfully they were only online, but they could have been worse.
Aurora
Wha?? Naked pics of Christian Bale??
Whew, I got to this party waaay too late!
But seriously…
I started writing a comment here that was turning into a long-winded rant, so rather than hijacking your comment section, I’ll post it on my own blog and link back here. But I have to do some more pondering on all this, so look for the post in a few days.
elise, as always, thanks for the food for thought ;)
In the meantime, I’m off to more immediate concerns, like going over to WhoreChurch to see naked pics of Christian Bale…
Elizavetta,
Looking forward to the post/rant. And, though i love the Whore dearly, his picture stopped a little short. ~sigh~ Alas.
elise
Please do not use the word “short” in the context of a man’s intimate anatomy. Please.
Well, if you hadn’t stopped where you did with the cropping (yes, i’m still grumpy from the sniffles,) i wouldn’t have to speculate, now would i?
Or…is it just cold there in the church?
ha.
elise
I’ll have you know I did not crop Mr. Bale’s Mr. Johnson. The picture is as I found it. If you want to feed your depraved mind I would encourage you to rent the DVD of American Psycho where there is an uncomfortably long scene of Mr. Bale washing, moisturizing, tanning and working out his taught body. While I am completely hetero, it makes me appreciate those who are less so.
Well, in that case, you should NOT have taunted me with promised pictures of nudity without it being really for real true let’s see the big picture type nudity. (See how i worked the word “big” in there instead of “short,” this time?)
And i’m sure you meant “taut,” yes?
elise
You assume I made a grammatical mistake? No, it was simply an expression of my command of the entire English language. I obviously meant he had “taught” his body–that his body is obviously well trained. I would never made a mistake.
Nice save. Or, if you will…safe.
elise