… solipsubmissive …

i’d learned it by accident, this coping mechanism, during the hours i’d spent in darkness and silence, my arms bound together before me.  There are, you see, more obstacles than one would imagine when one finds oneself in such a place.  The ropes, snug, held my forearms together from elbow to wrist.  They were my only physical bonds, which is, in some ways, more restrictive than when one is trussed from head to toe. 

The darkness pressed against my eyes and opened my ears.  i strained, for a while, to hear something, anything.  After a time, i realized the only sounds i could hear were of my own making.  i laughed, a small short sound, and lifted my arms to place my hands, folded as if in prayer, against the warm softness of my lips.  i pressed my palms together, matched each finger to its twin and spread them, fitting my chin into the “L” formed by my thumbs and index fingers.

i smiled and moaned, moving my thumbs against my trachea, listening to the sound change as the pressure against those delicate bones increased.  i released a breath into the tiny space between my palms, hot and humid, allowed it to curl into the hollow portion at the very center, then pursed my lips and blew, feeling the air cool and change and narrow.

And then i smiled.

i opened my hands and cupped my chin, spreading my fingers around my cheeks.  i forced the air now, with each exhale, between my bared teeth, listened to the whistling hiss.  Soon, tired of that, i brought my hands together again, lightly, the pads of each opposing finger resting lightly upon one another.

i stretched out on my back, then rolled to my side, drawing my knees up.  To a cadence held inside my head, i began tapping the tips of my fingers upon each other, creating quick time patterns that soothed and lulled and brought me peace. 

my fingers danced until i slept.

And when you came and kissed me awake, when you unwound the ropes and pressed your sensitive lips against the pretty, pretty marks, i kissed the tips of those fingers and placed them on your cheeks.  Content, i closed my eyes and slept again.