feel
As part of my Christmas, my daughter took me to see the Nutcracker today. Not a big city production with named ballerinas, but a small local company. The large roles of the Nutcracker Prince and the Sugarplum Fairy were handled by invited guest dancers, i assume from the company in Charlotte. The girl did a beautiful job. The guy was wretched, truly, but asked, i’m sure, for his partnering skills, his strength and the assurance that he would bring his soaring partner safely back to earth.
It had been years since i’d seen a ballet. At one time in my life, all i wanted to be was a ballerina. i danced every day of my life, took lessons five days a week, blew through pointe shoes in two weeks to a month at $30.00 a pair (thank you mama and daddy,) and worked as a receptionist and student teacher at the ballet school in my teen years so that i could have my many lessons on scholarship.
i choreographed a million ballets in my head. A few actually made it outside. my daddy remodeled my room with a hardwood floor and a barre and mirror so that i could practice at home, and i did….fervently and with enormous passion. i am like that. Passionate about anything that catches my interest, and utterly dispassionate about everything else.
Sitting at the ballet with my daughter today, i felt that old stirring in my chest. i felt the tears well up at the sheer beauty of perfect turnout and extension. My heart tightened and i ached to dance and dance and dance myself, to find an outlet for this passion, this feeling. It is, i think, that which i seek endlessly….that creative outlet.
i have that same passion for the written word, both those from my own hand and those of others. The ache is reflected in my need to serve. Does it all flow from the same creative core? i yearn to pen the perfect phrase, to stretch and emote and give to others the same feeling i get when i encounter something sublime. So, too, do i wish to serve innately, to be the perfect instrument of feeling for someone, an outlet of passion, of pain, and of pleasure.
Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame once said:
“Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping … waiting … and though unwanted … unbidden … it will stir … open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us … guides us … passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love … the clarity of hatred … and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we’d know some kind of peace … but we would be hollow … Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we’d be truly dead.”
Feel. Promise me … you’ll feel. i cannot bear to think you might not.
It’s harder to feel than I ever thought possible. Going through the motions is simple, an easy way to talk the talk without having to back it up. There are moments when fear is the only thing I feel. The fear of failure, of not being enough, of being less than what he desires…simply fear of moving beyond where I have been.
Thank you for this post. Thank you for giving me food for thought.
Love,
The Butterfly Temptress
Beautiful. So true also.
Feel. Promise me…you’ll feel. i cannot bear to think you might not.
I can hardly bear to do it, sometimes. Thank you for reminding me.
best
O
Is it so difficult to feel? Even the crippled feel. What has gone wrong? What damage has been done, or what grace of forgiveness been left orphaned by your lives, that you need to be reminded to feel?
***
Perhaps you’ve never experienced such a depth of emotional pain that you’ve been tempted to turn off your feelings…perhaps you have been so lucky. For others, perhaps it is difficult. And…perhaps…your words above seem a bit “unfeeling” as well, to some. Something to consider.
elise
And perhaps not, times four. No one is without temptaion to disappear insensate. No one is lucky all the time. No one lives without difficulties. And sometimes, a kick in the ass is the most loving approach of all.